While we wouldn’t recommend picking up the torch of any of the noble hellraisers mentioned within, Outlaws!: Adventures of Pirates, Scoundrels, and Other Rebels ($30) might certainly tempt you to do so. This 240-page ode to the outsider chronicles the adventures — and motives — of such famed and feared rebels as Jesse James, Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday, IRA-activist Bobby Sands, and more, explaining their plight, problems, and persecution in charmingly warm detail.
Only one murder out of 100 is committed by a serial killer. The chances that you will be killed by a serial killer are extremely slim; your chances of being killed by a family member, however, are much higher.
Q: Heather Graham turned 40 today; not only does this make her eligible for your Diane Lane All-Stars, but I believe it may put her in the 3-4-5 hole of the lineup. If you filled out the 2010 batting order, what would it look like? —Greg, New York
SG: You know, it’s been a few years since we created the Diane Lane All-Stars. Thanks to botox, lasers, and all the other products and cosmetic treatments, so many older women look fantastic now that it’s like trying to figure out which potential Hall of Fame receivers or sluggers from the ’90s and ’00s should be Hall of Famers. Everyone’s stats are inflated. Should we bump the age minimum to 45 (or at least 43)? Probably. But under old-school rules, my batting order looks like this:
1. Jennifer Aniston (40) — I like having a single leadoff hitter with rumbling ovaries. Aggressive and unquestionably desperate. You’d fear her on the basepaths.
2. Sandra Bullock (46) — Cheery veteran, good for the clubhouse, willing to give up at-bats and move runners along to help the team.
[+] EnlargeGetty ImagesWelcome to the All-Star Team, Rollergirl.
3. Heather Graham (40) — Power, OPS, speed, the whole package. It’s almost unfair to the others that she’s eligible. It’s like when Jack Nicklaus joined the PGA Senior Tour.
4. Halle Berry (43) — Perennial MVP candidate, someone you have to see in person to fully appreciate her greatness. Our highest-paid player.
5. Salma Hayek (43) — Fiery Latina, prodigious natural gifts, famous for people gawking at her tape measure … home runs.
6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) — She’s our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who’s four or five years older than listed.
7. Kelly Preston (47) — Don’t worry about the creepy Travolta stink on her. She’s still putting up big stats, and the statistical community loves her.
8. Demi Moore (47) — Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.
9. Cheryl Hines (44) — Keeps the team loose, keeps everyone laughing, doesn’t go for her own stats, gives us a hot-selling jersey for our Jewish fans. Can play four positions.
Starting pitcher: Diane Lane (45) — Crafty veteran, namesake of the team, knows every trick in the book. She’s like Jack Morris circa 1991. You want her out there in big games.
Set-up reliever: Maria Bello (42) — Can throw one inning or three, has the highest “nude scene per movie” ratio of any decent actress.
Closer: Cindy Crawford (43) — Still routinely hits 103 on the radar gun.
Coaching staff: Jacqueline Bisset, Julie Christie, Helen Mirren (all in their 60s). Why is it that women with accents retain a level of hotness that American women can’t match? OK, maybe I’m alone on this. (Waiting.) Nothing? Let’s move on.