Spurs talking points: The big story with the Spurs this year is the emergence of guard Roger Mason Jr., an obscure and underutilized journeyman who unexpectedly flourished in his first year under Gregg Popovich, averaging about 12 points per game while nicely complementing the more explosive Tony Parker. Also, Tim Duncan is the best player who ever lived.
Historical context: Whenever they win the NBA Championship (which they do just about every other year), San Antonio throws the Spurs a victory parade, in which the team boards various boats and sails down the city’s main river, waving to the fans who are cheering them on with the traditional chant of, “Go, Spurs, Go!” After learning this, you have never been more confident about your decision not to move to San Antonio.
Conversation starter: “Gregg Popovich has the third-best career winning percentage in NBA history. Why doesn’t he get more attention?”
Conversation stopper: “The first man to combine a popover and a sandwich into one delicious package will make a million bucks.”
Here is a brief list of what every dude should do in the hours before a date with a lady (sorry gays, I dunno what a dude should do before a date with a dude, but probably the same thing.) This is in no particular order:
Wear clean clothes.
Smell good, but smell like a man.
Take a goddamn shower.
Actually wash yourself in that shower.
Put on awesome records during all of this.
Be on time. Don’t keep a girl waiting, that’s what they do. They keep you waiting. Don’t return that favor.
Try to kiss her at least once. Don’t be a baby. No one likes a baby.
It’s totally okay to have a beer or two before you meet up.
Don’t get too drunk while out. It’s cool if she does; it’s sloppy if you do.
Even if you live in a big city, get the fuck over to her place and pick her up and take a damn car, don’t be a dumbass. Don’t “meet” somewhere. Go the fuck over there and pick her up. Jesus.
Remember those jams you had on earlier? Keep them spinning in your head.
Don’t talk too much. I always have this problem. Listening is not lame.
Actually listen when she talks.
Put your arm around her or something. Christ, stop being a baby.
If they offer to pay, remember that it’s 2009, not 1957. Also, recession. Dutch is totally kosher these days.
Always have something in mind for after dinner or whatever you’re doing. Not always sex, but something. That also could be an out.
I think that sums it up. It’s a lot of common sense, but common sense is usually what separates cool dudes from douchebros. Nobody likes douchebros.
We don’t chop wood every day here at Uncrate HQ, but when we do, we use the smartly designed Super Splitting Axe ($40) from Fiskars (yes, the scissors people). With a 28-inch handle, a 4-1/4 pound head, and a lightweight, glass-fiber reinforced handle, you’ll be splitting wood like a modern Paul Bunyan. The carbon steel blade has a PTFE coating which reduces friction, making for easy removal from the logs. And if you think this works well for splitting wood, just wait until you try it against zombies.
Yup, this one is on my list. You can never be too complacent about the zombies.
Demonstrate your team loyalty with this set of MLB Glassware ($20-$40) from Pottery Barn. Sporting your choice of 30 team logos, these precision-etched sets come in a variety of forms, from Pilsner glasses ($25) to serving bowls ($40) and traditional beer mugs ($25). It’s time to live the dream.